Hello, beautiful souls. At the time that I am writing this, the corona virus, the flu, and allergies are all running rampant. Quartines, self-inflicted or not, are in effect. Having spent the last few days in my own apartment has reminded me of a feeling that I constantly try to avoid. As the title may have hinted, that feeling is loneliness.
Since 2016, I have pretty much been on my own. My love had left me high and dry. I was starting a new career. I was moving across the country by myself. I remember my last night before I moved. I cried in my mother’s lap. I told her that I was afraid to start over all by myself. She comforted me that night, but that thought has never fully gone away.
Now I sit, alone, in my apartment. My thoughts remind me of how far I’ve come but also of how much I’m still missing. Normally this doesn’t bother me because I can distract myself with something to do. Yet, in this time of chaos, I am alone with my thoughts which can be a very dangerous place.
My thoughts remind me that I have no love life. My anger towards the world feels like it is simmering once again. People are still being people. (We all know how annoying people can be.) I still have issues trusting people. And finally, I feel like almost everyone in my life is taking me for granted. They expect me to happily be around while they neglect and mistreat me.
While I would like to say that I have someone that I can tell everything to, I’d be lying. Even the person that I trust the most will never know the entire story. They will never know how daunting it is for me to be awake at night because the thoughts just keep coming.
What I’m trying to say is this. It is okay to be immersed in your thoughts from time to time. It is okay to cry. It is okay to ask for help. The important thing is to analyze these thoughts, work through them, and eventually past them. Just try not to do anything brash or something that you can’t undo. Thoughts come and go, but regrets can be forever.
I’ll try to write on a brighter note next time. Until then, beautiful souls…